Positive Self Talk

When I started running when I was twelve, I had no idea there was a mental side to training. Quite honestly, I thought you pretty much just went out and ran as hard as you could, pushing yourself as much as you could, that it was all about your physical body and nothing else.

But I was lucky to be quickly introduced then and through my teen years to things like self talk and how much running is about telling yourself you can do it, you can push yourself to run faster, longer. And how you learn to let go of whatever else is distracting you, bothering you so that you can keep your focus on the race. It was about learning to let go of everything that had happened at school that day (and/or at home) and “staying the course” as it was often called.

I’ll be honest and say it took me a long time to master these skills and I still haven’t in many ways. However, I do know that I use them daily to push myself to accomplish whatever tasks are ahead of me and to keep me moving forward when sometimes it feels like it would be easier to sleep in, lounge on the couch, to give up.

Last week here in Albuquerque we had wind. Then we had more wind. and yet more wind. One would have thought it was spring with all the wind we had. I woke up at 4:00 am as I usually do and the last thing I wanted to do was go run in that wind. And then swim in the wind (the gym where I swim has an outdoor heated pool).

That’s when the self talk started. First I had to get myself out the door into the cold and wind with Lilly. Then when I returned home, it was Ash’s turn for his run. And, finally, my run without the dogs.

I patted myself on the back but I still had to get myself to the pool.

I always say that I run because I can do it out the front door– if I went to the gym to run I’m not sure I would ever have developed the routine that I have. It’s hard to get in the cold car and drive to the gym. But I kept reminding myself that I could do it, that I had swum in worse conditions. And that when I was done, how happy I’d be that I’d accomplished the full workout in less than ideal conditions.

The wind made the water feel a little cool; I used that as incentive to swim faster. I tried to think of other things to make the time pass and somehow I made it to my 1,150 yards and climbed out of the pool, knowing I could stay inside the rest of the day if I wanted to.

It wasn’t easy, but each time I do this kind of workout, it makes it easier the next time I’m faced with a challenge. I don’t know that any of us ever master positive self talk but I know it’s helped me accomplish a lot more in my life than if I hadn’t had those lessons. I was lucky to have them early.

The Road to Color

I probably have the least amount of black in my wardrobe than anyone I know. I believe black is a classic color and I've worn quite a bit of it in my time, but in recent years I've come to believe that people wear black mostly because they want to blend in, not be seen. It's like becoming part of the paneling on a wall– people might wear black because they don't want anyone to see them at the gym. It's better to blend into the crowd then stick out (not such a good idea if you're running in the dark though).

For me, however, while there are a few black dresses in my closet and I own black tennis skirts, black leggings, and some long-sleeved black tops, you won't see me reaching for black too often if I have something else to choose from. More than likely, I'm using black with a print, like a black tank top and printed skirt.

I didn't realize that I had made a color shift until I was in the midst of my suicide and grief speaking career and people began to ask me, "With all that you've been through, how can you wear such bright colors?"

I actually hadn't thought about it. When I started speaking I wore a lot of navy blue and black. In one national television appearance I wore...gray. When I saw the segment I wondered what I had been thinking: I blended right in with the set. Not much better than wearing black.

At first I told people it was because I didn't view myself as someone whose life was filled with loss and that I had always worn bright, funky clothes. But in thinking about it, I reached back further into my life and realized it went back to a black bathing suit.

I was going into eighth grade and I needed a new swimsuit. A good friend had a black one piece and that's what I wanted yet when I told my mom at the store, she squashed me on it. 

"You're too young to wear black," she said, me having no idea what she meant.

I ended up with a navy suit with vertical black stripes, but I believe being told I was too young to wear black all those years ago is still influencing me today. No no no- not that I am too young to wear black now!– but it forced me to look beyond black and at other colors available to me. By not letting me wear black, what my mom really did was say, "You have many other colors to pick from."

And that's more than evident in my life today. Thank you, Mom.