The Quarter

I used to post all the times I would find a coin, especially because it seemed to happen quite often. People also told me it made them happy because they understood that for those of us who have lost loved ones, those coins are, well, pennies from heaven.

It doesn’t happen too often anymore– I’m not blaming the pandemic on this one so much (because I still ran everyday during it) as I felt a drop off because my life had changed. I felt as if I didn’t find the coins because I didn’t need those near constant reminders than my deceased loved ones are with me. I chalked it up to moving forward, a good thing.

When we go to mass, I always light at candle for Our Lady of Guadalupe. As the priest I do my spiritual direction will say, God speaks through her to me, perhaps because I don’t always hear God. But I also feel very connected to her as my birthday falls on her feast day.

There are many times I stand in front of the painting of her and I talk to her about my creative endeavors. I don’t want to reveal the specifics right now as that’s between her and I, but I have felt like there was a bit of a gorge in one aspect of where I’m at and where I want to be.

Sunday morning was very windy, after an even windier night, and I didn’t particularly want to go out and run so much as I knew no one else would be out (only those of us who are die hards). As I ran along with Ash, I felt my answer from Guadalupe (or was it God?). I found what I needed, what was missing, what I needed to specifically ask for. While I’m not sure how to exactly tap into what I need, I do know now what it is that I’m seeking.

Not long after that I spotted a quarter.

It was worth it to grin and bear it through the wind. Prayer is often empty but this was a morning when I felt an answer from the a prayer of the day before. It doesn’t happen often so when it does, it’s an inspirational reminder that hope and faith are where it’s at.

Questioning Faith

Recently I had my monthly spiritual direction visit with a priest here, Fr. Gene, and one of the things he happened to say was how he has come to understand questioning faith is part of the faith journey.

It took me a moment to absorb what he had said because it was the first time I could truly admit how much I doubted faith for so long.

Growing up, it was expected that we would go to CCD class, make our first communions, and then we could stop once we were confirmed. But I can now freely admit that all these years– and throughout high school after my confirmation– I doubted the existence of God. However, my mom had such steadfast faith that I never felt I could say I didn't believe. I knew I was expected to and kept it to myself.

It wasn't until my first relationship break up in college that I had to figure out where to lean for support and I started to attend church. Reflecting back, I now see that Mom set in place a coping mechanism for us by making us complete all our sacraments. Maybe I didn't need spirituality (my chosen word for it– I see religion as more meditative and choose to use the tradition aspect of it that way) then but it was there when I needed it.

And when my younger sister died two years later, I had a church community to fall back on because I was attending church fairly regularly at that point.

I believe that things unfold the way they do for a reason and that had I learned the lessons I wish had been taught to me (especially about letting go of my worries and giving them to God/the universe), my life journey wouldn't be where it's supposed to be today. A good example of it is writing this blog at this particular time. The whole idea probably never would have occurred to me had I never doubted my faith.

However, I also see that I was questioning my faith early in life when some people might be faced with the same questions later in their years. But as they were early for me, it's allowed me to explore and do other things I might not have been able to without the previous journey.

Our life journeys aren't interstate highways that often stretch for miles in what looks like a straight line (like through Western Oklahoma or any of the other Great Plains states!). Often we can't see where we are going which can be frustrating but that's the key part to trusting the journey.

I can't say that every day I am filled with complete faith but I understand the importance of trusting the journey, the universe, God. There is only so much I can do and life has taught me that by letting go of what I can't control and keeping my focus in the here and now and what's right in front of me, makes all the difference in the world to my outlook on life.