While when I reflect on my grief journey following my sister’s death– now just two weeks from happening thirty years ago– it can easily look like that also was the start of my spiritual journey. But by looking further back in the review mirror, I see that the groundwork was already in place when she died.
I will be the first to admit that my relationship with God was never a close one. Mom tried to introduce us to God, as he was important to her, and church, lighting candles, all those things. But I couldn’t relate to it.
It wasn’t until after my first big relationship break up that I needed somewhere “to go” so I went to church. That much Mom had put into place– teaching us that we could lean on God when we needed help even when we were interested accepting her suggestion. Just three years after that break up, Denise died and there was the God thing again.
Many people find themselves angry at God after the death of a loved one. While I understand this, it wasn’t something I ever questioned. Denise had made a choice to end her life. The hardest part for me was figuring out how to find a way forward, knowing I would have to go a long way without her. My view of the world was shattered and I had to recreate it, without that sense of safety from bad things happening to me.
On my first trip to Australia, I was in Sydney with several hours and nothing to do before I was due at the ABC broadcasting building for an interview so I went for a walk. I stumbled on the cathedral and I joke that that was my first pilgrimage. After that trip, each time I left the country, I made it a point (if possible) to attend mass or at least find a Catholic church and light a candle.
In Hong Kong, the spiritual part of my trip was slightly different. My friend Tony (pictured above), from Australia, and I took two trains and a long walk up a hill to visit a Buddhist temple. We had no clue what to do with the incense– wanting to be culturally appropriate– but we also couldn’t find anyone who spoke English so tried to act like we knew what we were doing.
While these are “big” experiences that happened, the crux of a spiritual journey is what happens in our day-to-day life when life isn’t going the way we hoped or planned it would. Grief is much the same, it’s really about those small moments, some people might say they are comments of grace, when we discover something new about ourselves or find joy again in the world.
Learning to lean on God isn’t something that happens overnight; that’s why they call it a spiritual journey. It’s a lot of steps each day, building on each one, and looking out around us with a new perspective.