I have never forgotten the pain of that first Thanksgiving without my sister Denise, the same one that was also our first without my maternal grandmother who had died just about six weeks before the holiday.
It was awkward; we all knew it was different. We got through it and in the ensuing years, as I began to speak publicly about suicide and grief, I also began to incorporate ways to not just survive the holiday season, but also make them meaningful, especially those first years without a loved one.
Within a family, each of us have a different story relating to our loved one, our relationship with them, and their death. That often means that when a holiday arrives, some family members are afraid to bring up the person and/or the loss while others want to talk about it.
To not speak of that person, makes it appear as if they never existed. But there might be too much pain for some people to speak of them. It’s important to find a place in the middle to meet.
I have heard of families who set a place at that table for that person; an acknowledgment that they still have a place in the family (as they do– and always will– no one can take away the memories you have with that person).
Through the years of speaking, I came to realize that a lit candle early in the day is a good way to diffuse that tension between family members. It’s a way of acknowledging the presence in some way of the deceased loved one, to remember that they are still part of the family, and a way that doesn’t mean everyone has to speak of them if it’s too painful.
I know many people are approaching their first holiday season without someone they love very much. No matter what road you are traveling in your life this Thanksgiving, may the day bring you peace and hope. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.