In the early morning darkness of the top of the hill, a place where I can see the city lights to the west, I was in the middle of my daily prayer when I run Lilly. While I was there, I realized how little I had been praying for the world during this time. And it was in this prayer where I asked, What specifically should I pray for?
I was quickly reminded of the changes I’d made in my own life, in my own thinking, and how I’d neglected them since the virus has taken over our lives.
I had promised myself I would stop asking, “Why?” when something happened and instead ask, “What can I learn?” so that I could go forward. Yet for the past few weeks I’d been caught between “Why?” and trying to keep myself moving forward in the face of the unknown of when I’ll be able to resume knocking the dominos down to propel Chelle Summer forward.
Each day I pray that I be the person I’m supposed to be, that I do what I’m supposed to do. And I believe that I’m supposed to be something much bigger than I am. But that has brought uncertainty with it, feelings I don’t understand. It means standing in spaces I don’t get, in letting feelings wash over me that are uncomfortable. When I don’t get washed up in these moments, I’m reminded that these feelings are all about being something bigger, being who I’m supposed to be, translation they are logical and not so overwhelming.
The day before my surgery two years ago to have my uterus removed, I was scared. Very scared. I had tried to embrace the journey, but with less than twenty-four hours before the procedure, powerful fear overtook me. As Greg and I sat with our priest, Fr. Marc, who was going to give me the annointing of the sick, I said this to him and he quickly retorted, “You asked for it.”
I remind myself how quickly he snapped back at me and it in turn reminds me that I must feel this to go forward. It’s a yucky feeling because we like to be comfortable and this feeling means constantly stepping outside one’s box, never making myself so at home that I want to stay there.
We all have been caught up in our lives, in moving forward, in not feeling. We are distracted, we don’t pay much attention to the world around us. Many people don’t care.
Words from Pope Francis have stuck with me, when he mentioned our “ailing planet.” It struck a cord that we are being forced to stop, to stand still, to look around, to feel. This will take us further forward but we must ask what we’re supposed to learn from it so we don’t repeat where we’ve been.
I do this daily. I stand every day and attempt to face what I don’t understand. I hate the discomfort, but I know that if I’m going to have a well-lived life, this is part of the journey I must walk. We can’t go back and undo the virus or any of what’s happened, but we can make sure that we make the most of this overwhelming strange and uncomfortable time.